I know it has been so long since I posted here; the last time I spoke with you all I was in Spain, trying to come to grips with what had just ended and what was about to begin.
To go over the super duper basics: I was able to land two jobs about two months after getting back. One is with an organization that works as a middle man between a large foundation in Detroit and the organizations they give loans to (most of these organizations are ones that try and provide help to startup businesses in Michigan.) The other job is as a host at a local restaurant that I used to work at, though a different branch, that is based here in Ann Arbor.
My partner and I went on a trip to California for about a week, and I'm now convinced that I need to move to the Bay Area pronto.
Im saving up money so I can go on a trip to El Salvador to visit my good friend Janina :)
I have started applying to Graduate Schools in attempts to get a Masters in Nonprofit Management.
I don't freak out in grocery stores any more, though the mall is still overwhelming (then again, the mall was always a little overwhelming.)
I only think about Bots about 6 times a day, and half of those times sorta feel like you do when you are trying to grasp for a dream you had last night, and you can just barely put your finger on the details.
I guess we are going to get into the deeper stuff now...
I put off writing this for a long while because it felt like it would really be the end. That I would have to look back on the past two years and see that I had crossed the finish line. I also put off writing things because SO MUCH of the emotion that I have been going through has been hard to put into words, even for me.
Coming home didn't really feel like coming home, and yet my time in Peace Corps feels like a dream now. Like this weird, slightly un-relateable experience that was my whole existence for so long and is now just over. I feel like I'm being one of those douchey travel brats every time I try and contribute to a conversation with a Bots story, but it's all I have right now. I miss my house, I miss my community, I miss the library and I miss my friends.
I think the hardest thing about coming home, aside from all the adjustment and all the change, is that I feel like I have started to lose sight a bit of who I was in Bots. Now, in some cases this is a good thing, I for sure like having things to do in the sense that I can end the day saying I worked honestly for a paycheck. As those of you who have been following along should know, that is not always what life in Botswana was like.
But I also feel like I'm losing my ability to go out and have an adventure, or to be totally independent, or to stretch myself out of my comfort zone. Now that I have gotten used to the consumerism of the US again (believe it or not, that was more of an adjustment than you would think) I don't really leave my comfort zone a whole lot here, and I miss that. I miss having to throw caution to the wind and strike up a conversation in Setswana, or trying to figure out how I am going to get home with food when the combi breaks down. I miss trying to come up with plan A-Z because you know the first dozen plans are going to fall apart. I miss striking out on weekends with my pack and a vague plan, and going to visit people in different parts of the country. I miss the sense of camaraderie that you get with your fellow Volunteers. I miss feeling like I was really working towards a change that was making a difference in people's lives.
Don't get me wrong, I like my new jobs, but they just aren't the same. As I was getting trained in the busy restaurant where I now work, the person showing me around glanced back after taking a family to their table and asked if I was going to be alright in the fast paced environment, and that she hoped I wasn't getting overwhelmed. "Not much overwhelms me these days" I responded, thinking back onto my panicked first night at the house, or how stressful trying to get the tree nursery project done in the last couple of months was. A restaurant? Crabby patrons? This was nothing.
And now I have to face a really odd break in the path, one where I need to be making decisions about what I am going to be doing with my life. I can see the options laid out in front of me and I'm not sure what I feel about any of them. I could go to graduate school, get a job in the Non-Profit sector, get married, have babies, work to make sure there is enough money to travel at least once a year, and grow old. There is also the option to try and get back into the field immediately, to try and find something that isn't Peace Corps, but Peace Corpsesque. I could apply for jobs abroad, I could actually take the Foreign Service Exam and maybe go work in an embassy. But then when would I be able to have kids? And will my partner be willing to make those types of sacrifices so that I can do what I want to do? Can I handle the pressure of either a.) having another person make changes in their life to accommodate mine and/or b.) make changes in my life to accommodate another person? I've never done that before.
And what if I choose the straight, narrow and domestic, and I get 20years down the line, and I regret what I did? I regret not spending a few more years in the field, and I resent the mini van? This is a joke only a few will get, but I love the idea of owning a mini van since they are comfortable and carry a lot of things, and I have a lot of wonderful memories in our family mini van. My partner makes fun of me for this, since the idea of owning a mini van to her is almost physically painful.
It is hard for me to wrap my head around a lot of these things. It's hard for me to try and be a grownup, when all I want to do is hit the road again. I have the moments, the ones where I feel so content, and so happy, and those moments come somewhat frequently, but just as frequently is the pull to get back out in the world. The world of discomfort, the world of challenge, the world of adventure.
I'm going to post this as is for the moment, but there will be more to come. There will also be some debate on how this site is going to change a bit soon, and how I want to keep writing, but am no longer a currently serving PCV.
Hugs and smooches,
Claire
To go over the super duper basics: I was able to land two jobs about two months after getting back. One is with an organization that works as a middle man between a large foundation in Detroit and the organizations they give loans to (most of these organizations are ones that try and provide help to startup businesses in Michigan.) The other job is as a host at a local restaurant that I used to work at, though a different branch, that is based here in Ann Arbor.
My partner and I went on a trip to California for about a week, and I'm now convinced that I need to move to the Bay Area pronto.
Im saving up money so I can go on a trip to El Salvador to visit my good friend Janina :)
I have started applying to Graduate Schools in attempts to get a Masters in Nonprofit Management.
I don't freak out in grocery stores any more, though the mall is still overwhelming (then again, the mall was always a little overwhelming.)
I only think about Bots about 6 times a day, and half of those times sorta feel like you do when you are trying to grasp for a dream you had last night, and you can just barely put your finger on the details.
I guess we are going to get into the deeper stuff now...
I put off writing this for a long while because it felt like it would really be the end. That I would have to look back on the past two years and see that I had crossed the finish line. I also put off writing things because SO MUCH of the emotion that I have been going through has been hard to put into words, even for me.
Coming home didn't really feel like coming home, and yet my time in Peace Corps feels like a dream now. Like this weird, slightly un-relateable experience that was my whole existence for so long and is now just over. I feel like I'm being one of those douchey travel brats every time I try and contribute to a conversation with a Bots story, but it's all I have right now. I miss my house, I miss my community, I miss the library and I miss my friends.
I think the hardest thing about coming home, aside from all the adjustment and all the change, is that I feel like I have started to lose sight a bit of who I was in Bots. Now, in some cases this is a good thing, I for sure like having things to do in the sense that I can end the day saying I worked honestly for a paycheck. As those of you who have been following along should know, that is not always what life in Botswana was like.
But I also feel like I'm losing my ability to go out and have an adventure, or to be totally independent, or to stretch myself out of my comfort zone. Now that I have gotten used to the consumerism of the US again (believe it or not, that was more of an adjustment than you would think) I don't really leave my comfort zone a whole lot here, and I miss that. I miss having to throw caution to the wind and strike up a conversation in Setswana, or trying to figure out how I am going to get home with food when the combi breaks down. I miss trying to come up with plan A-Z because you know the first dozen plans are going to fall apart. I miss striking out on weekends with my pack and a vague plan, and going to visit people in different parts of the country. I miss the sense of camaraderie that you get with your fellow Volunteers. I miss feeling like I was really working towards a change that was making a difference in people's lives.
Don't get me wrong, I like my new jobs, but they just aren't the same. As I was getting trained in the busy restaurant where I now work, the person showing me around glanced back after taking a family to their table and asked if I was going to be alright in the fast paced environment, and that she hoped I wasn't getting overwhelmed. "Not much overwhelms me these days" I responded, thinking back onto my panicked first night at the house, or how stressful trying to get the tree nursery project done in the last couple of months was. A restaurant? Crabby patrons? This was nothing.
And now I have to face a really odd break in the path, one where I need to be making decisions about what I am going to be doing with my life. I can see the options laid out in front of me and I'm not sure what I feel about any of them. I could go to graduate school, get a job in the Non-Profit sector, get married, have babies, work to make sure there is enough money to travel at least once a year, and grow old. There is also the option to try and get back into the field immediately, to try and find something that isn't Peace Corps, but Peace Corpsesque. I could apply for jobs abroad, I could actually take the Foreign Service Exam and maybe go work in an embassy. But then when would I be able to have kids? And will my partner be willing to make those types of sacrifices so that I can do what I want to do? Can I handle the pressure of either a.) having another person make changes in their life to accommodate mine and/or b.) make changes in my life to accommodate another person? I've never done that before.
And what if I choose the straight, narrow and domestic, and I get 20years down the line, and I regret what I did? I regret not spending a few more years in the field, and I resent the mini van? This is a joke only a few will get, but I love the idea of owning a mini van since they are comfortable and carry a lot of things, and I have a lot of wonderful memories in our family mini van. My partner makes fun of me for this, since the idea of owning a mini van to her is almost physically painful.
It is hard for me to wrap my head around a lot of these things. It's hard for me to try and be a grownup, when all I want to do is hit the road again. I have the moments, the ones where I feel so content, and so happy, and those moments come somewhat frequently, but just as frequently is the pull to get back out in the world. The world of discomfort, the world of challenge, the world of adventure.
I'm going to post this as is for the moment, but there will be more to come. There will also be some debate on how this site is going to change a bit soon, and how I want to keep writing, but am no longer a currently serving PCV.
Hugs and smooches,
Claire
