It has been a year.
I thought about writing a big long post on facebook and getting some thoughts out, but then figured this might be an easier platform.
My birthday has always been a bit like a personal New Years; a time of reflection and goal setting for what the next chapter in my life is going to be like. This year has brought many changes, big and little, both happy and sad. I hope to write more on this platform about a few of them, and generally hope to start a more regular writing practice, but this isn't the first time I have said that, so we will see how my follow through is. There are a few groups of folks I wanted to take the opportunity to address at this time. Some of these groups are vague, some more specific, but all have impacted me in one way or another this year.
First and foremost, thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. Those near and far who through text, letters, emails, phone calls, linkedin messages, squatty potties or face-to-face sent me well wishes. If this year has taught me anything it is that my life is overflowing with support, love and compassion from people that I aspire to emulate.
To people that I love, and who love me back: I don't know how I lucked out this hard. I don't know what I did, or how I accrued the type of karmic brownie points required to have so many of you in my life. From my biological family, to my chosen family, to my friends, co-workers, peers, acquaintances, I find myself constantly surrounded by people that are bound and determined to make a positive impact on the world every day in every way. When all the news around us seems to be so full of such violence and hatred, I look around and become hopeful by each of you. We are stronger when we are together, and there have been numerous times this year when I was down on myself, or consumed by so much that it was hard to get myself out of bed in the mornings. Between physical ailments (my back issues), psychological challenges (job search), and emotional duress, there were a lot of life events this year that were difficult, and yet you stuck by. Through checkins, words of encouragement, a pat on the back, or an offer to grab coffee, you all showered me in unconditional support and love. There never has been and never will be enough words for my gratitude. You all make this life worth living.
To people that I have hurt, disappointed or wronged through both my actions and my failure to act: I'm sorry. These words seem to fall so incredibly short, but they are what I have to offer. I've learned more this year about my capacity to make bad decisions than any other time in my life, and unfortunately those decisions have harmed people I care for and genuinely respect. It is not enough to hold good intentions about inducing as little damage to those around us as possible, if those intentions are not upheld through the decisions we make. These decisions are not always easy, but are necessary, and this year has taught me that I have a long way to go in making the hard and right choices in my relationships. Being a "good person" is not a default setting. Emotional honesty, boundary creation, and respect are not things that magically materialize out of thin air, they must be conscious and intentional. I'm not sure where the line is between my cowardice around confrontation and attempting to respect your boundaries, lays. I'm not sure how to start mending, I'm not sure if all of you want things to be mended. I can only promise to try and be better, to do better, to make sure that the shame and guilt I have (which does nothing for you) comes to something productive, and to atone where I can.
To my family: I know you all are somewhat covered in the "people I love" section, but I wanted to be a bit more specific. Our clan has gone through a lot of changes in the last year; marriages, divorces, deaths, births, and reconfigurations of all kinds. Through it all we have kept or strength and our love at center stage of our weird little dramatic comedy. I'm blessed to have a family that is not only made up of people that I'm related to through blood, but those that are related through life. If you are reading this and you think you fall into this category, I want you to know something: you are so freaking stuck with me. No matter how you were brought into the fold, once you are there, you are there. It doesn't matter if the formal labels you came in with are no longer applicable, my love for you will always be (I'm looking at you especially in this moment A.D. and S.)
I'm hoping that this last year of my 20s is a time of growth, reflection and possibly a bit more financial stability. I want to write more, I want to spend more time with myself, I want to find ways to travel, I want to get into better habits, I want to eat better food and drink better whiskey, and I want to learn how to live a more honest life in my interactions with others, and how I set my priorities. I want to work on certain things within myself so that I can be a better person for all those listed above. Someone asked me the other day whether or not the impeding arrival of my 30s is something that scares me, and I almost laughed. My 20s have been amazing, why would my 30s be any different? This life isn't always the easiest thing to live but its mine and I wouldn't exchange it given the chance. Life is an adventure, if you so choose, and I'm looking forward to whatever might be coming my way.
Love,
Claire
I thought about writing a big long post on facebook and getting some thoughts out, but then figured this might be an easier platform.
My birthday has always been a bit like a personal New Years; a time of reflection and goal setting for what the next chapter in my life is going to be like. This year has brought many changes, big and little, both happy and sad. I hope to write more on this platform about a few of them, and generally hope to start a more regular writing practice, but this isn't the first time I have said that, so we will see how my follow through is. There are a few groups of folks I wanted to take the opportunity to address at this time. Some of these groups are vague, some more specific, but all have impacted me in one way or another this year.
First and foremost, thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday. Those near and far who through text, letters, emails, phone calls, linkedin messages, squatty potties or face-to-face sent me well wishes. If this year has taught me anything it is that my life is overflowing with support, love and compassion from people that I aspire to emulate.
To people that I love, and who love me back: I don't know how I lucked out this hard. I don't know what I did, or how I accrued the type of karmic brownie points required to have so many of you in my life. From my biological family, to my chosen family, to my friends, co-workers, peers, acquaintances, I find myself constantly surrounded by people that are bound and determined to make a positive impact on the world every day in every way. When all the news around us seems to be so full of such violence and hatred, I look around and become hopeful by each of you. We are stronger when we are together, and there have been numerous times this year when I was down on myself, or consumed by so much that it was hard to get myself out of bed in the mornings. Between physical ailments (my back issues), psychological challenges (job search), and emotional duress, there were a lot of life events this year that were difficult, and yet you stuck by. Through checkins, words of encouragement, a pat on the back, or an offer to grab coffee, you all showered me in unconditional support and love. There never has been and never will be enough words for my gratitude. You all make this life worth living.
To people that I have hurt, disappointed or wronged through both my actions and my failure to act: I'm sorry. These words seem to fall so incredibly short, but they are what I have to offer. I've learned more this year about my capacity to make bad decisions than any other time in my life, and unfortunately those decisions have harmed people I care for and genuinely respect. It is not enough to hold good intentions about inducing as little damage to those around us as possible, if those intentions are not upheld through the decisions we make. These decisions are not always easy, but are necessary, and this year has taught me that I have a long way to go in making the hard and right choices in my relationships. Being a "good person" is not a default setting. Emotional honesty, boundary creation, and respect are not things that magically materialize out of thin air, they must be conscious and intentional. I'm not sure where the line is between my cowardice around confrontation and attempting to respect your boundaries, lays. I'm not sure how to start mending, I'm not sure if all of you want things to be mended. I can only promise to try and be better, to do better, to make sure that the shame and guilt I have (which does nothing for you) comes to something productive, and to atone where I can.
To my family: I know you all are somewhat covered in the "people I love" section, but I wanted to be a bit more specific. Our clan has gone through a lot of changes in the last year; marriages, divorces, deaths, births, and reconfigurations of all kinds. Through it all we have kept or strength and our love at center stage of our weird little dramatic comedy. I'm blessed to have a family that is not only made up of people that I'm related to through blood, but those that are related through life. If you are reading this and you think you fall into this category, I want you to know something: you are so freaking stuck with me. No matter how you were brought into the fold, once you are there, you are there. It doesn't matter if the formal labels you came in with are no longer applicable, my love for you will always be (I'm looking at you especially in this moment A.D. and S.)
I'm hoping that this last year of my 20s is a time of growth, reflection and possibly a bit more financial stability. I want to write more, I want to spend more time with myself, I want to find ways to travel, I want to get into better habits, I want to eat better food and drink better whiskey, and I want to learn how to live a more honest life in my interactions with others, and how I set my priorities. I want to work on certain things within myself so that I can be a better person for all those listed above. Someone asked me the other day whether or not the impeding arrival of my 30s is something that scares me, and I almost laughed. My 20s have been amazing, why would my 30s be any different? This life isn't always the easiest thing to live but its mine and I wouldn't exchange it given the chance. Life is an adventure, if you so choose, and I'm looking forward to whatever might be coming my way.
Love,
Claire
