When Home Became Scary

I was talking to my friend Boo on the phone the other day and at some point the idea of our impending COS date came up. I don’t know when it happened, if I woke up and things had just changed, or if it was a slow and gradual switch over, but at some point in the last 20 months, the idea of home became a little scary. Now let us be clear, when I say “home” I don’t mean my actual household filled with my loving family, I mean the general idea of moving back to the US. Boo agreed, and I doubt it is just the two of us.

Home used to be this big glorious infallible thing, but now the concept of it has become a little hazy and vague, and the idea of imagining what my life is going to be like is perplexing. Its like what thinking about Peace Corps in Botswana was going to be like before I left. My reality is in Botswana, my comfort zone is here, I have a job and a house, and people I enjoy spending time with. I have no job in the US, I'm going to end up moving back in with the parents for a little while, and there are a lot of different discoveries I have made over the past two years, and some that I made before but have now just started opening up to people about (maybe the distance makes me feel safe?) and they are going to change how I live my life. 

The Claire that left the states, the life she had, the perspectives she thought she held, and the actual mechanics of how she thought, are all gone. I get this is a part of living and growing up, I just think Peace Corps crams a bit more into two years than what would have happened had I staid home.

I remember before leaving for Botswana hearing a story from a girl who had a friend who had just gotten back from Peace Corps Madagascar. She was complaining about how this person had returned from Peace Corps and just couldn't talk about anything other than Madagascar. I remember how she rolled her eyes and spoke about how "it just came up in every conversation! I was like 'common! Talk about something else.'" What this individual failed to understand is that the majority of material that we draw on in everyday conversations and debates, comes from the past couple years of ones life. 

I don't want to sound like the douche bag that is trying to rub my experiences in everyone's faces, but if I am trying to contribute to a conversation on, lets say, transportation; it is completely possible that something like this comment will come out "I remember when a car we had rented to take my friends and I out of the bush broke down after helping run a youth camp in one of the more remote villages. We had to hitchhike on the back of a semi truck platform to get out of there." This happened a few weeks ago, and its not me trying to draw a similarity between myself and Indiana Jones, it is just a reality of how things work here.

You may be saying to yourself that this would be cool, and an interesting point in the conversation, but imagine hanging out with me and that kind of thing coming up regularly. I end up sounding like that bro who just came back from his eco-tourism vacation and makes a point to bring up the pygmy witch doctor he met, at every... possible... moment.

The other thing that freaks me out is that I am going to bore people. When people ask me about Peace Corps, they don't want to know all the details, the experiences, or how it changed me as a person. They want to know a quick 5 minute sound bite, and then move on to something they can relate to. I don't blame them, one way conversations blow. But Peace Corps is not a vacation for me, it is not me stepping out of my "real life" and then when I COS I will be going back to it. This was real, and not getting that kind of confirmation of my time is going to be difficult. 

Lastly, my independence. I have been living on my own, in my own little house, being in charge of only myself, for the past two years. This independence is made ever fiercer by the solitude that has accompanied it. I have spent a larger chunk of time being alone in the past two years, than any of my previous years on this earth. It has taught me a lot about myself and I will be forever grateful for the opportunity, but that suddenly comes to a halt come July 2014. The real kicker is that I am super social, I love talking with people and I am ABSOLUTELY that chick who will start random conversations with strangers whenever, and wherever possible. 

List of random places Claire has made new friends:

-Standing in line for Deal or No Deal try outs

-Airplanes

-While waiting to get on the Ellen Show at Christmas time

-At the movie theater

-Tailgates

-Elevators

-Amusement parks

-Post Offices

I'm just worried I won't know how to be that any more, or that I'm going to get overwhelmed. This whole idea is very overwhelming. I'm going back to a familiar place, but I'm no longer familiar within it, or with it for that matter. I know I'm lucky in a lot of ways, that I have parents to move back in with, that I have friends that are going to support me, that I have a sweatheart who has been out here, and who has been dealing with my freak outs as of late and so knows what they are getting themselves into (thanks honey.) Ultimately though, I have to figure out on a personal level how I fit back into America...or scarier yet...IF I fit back into America, and if I don't, where to next?

Thanks for tuning in, as ever. 

Hugs and smooches, 

Claire

p.s. Click here please, and then buy a book! Great Christmas idea: The GENDER book

A Eulogy For Wilson

I’ve always been known as the dramatic one in my family. I was really into being the center of attention as a child, and my Aunts never really let me forget about it. I like to think that I have gotten a bit better about this as I have gotten older, but I know I have my moments. I just have a lot of...emotion.

That all being said, my dog Wilson was put down yesterday.

I’m pretty sure that dogs are God’s way of letting us know that true happiness exists. They love us unconditionally, they give us comfort when we need it, and they are the only animal I can think of that becomes close companions with humans and whose souls attempt to outlive their bodies. I’m a dog person, in case you haven’t picked up on it. Wilson was the second dog I have ever known and he stuck with me through a lot, I think he deserves a few words, so I’m going to use this forum to give them to him.

We got Wilson after I tricked my Mom into checking out “volunteer options” at the Humane Society. We went, found out I needed to be at least 16 to volunteer on my own, and before heading back home I asked if we could check out the dogs inside. After significantly less push than I thought it would require, my Mother relented, and so we walked into the main building. We looked around the puppy room for a while and ogled at the cuteness that cannot be denied in the presence of tiny doggies, before heading into the larger kennel area. I remember seeing a long row of cages and slowly walking up and down seeing if anybody caught my eye.

My Mom was the one who found him, and when I think back, it really couldn’t have been any other way. He was laying down on the floor of his kennel, the only dog not pitching a fit, with his nose poking out between the mesh of the door. He wagged his tail when my Mom went to pet his muzzle, and I think that was pretty much the end of it. I remember her telling me I had to call my Dad while we were driving back in the car, and my Dad distinctly saying something about “No way, let me talk to your mother.” She confirmed it, and a few days later we were out there again so that the whole family could meet him.

I remember being disappointed that he wasn’t multicolored, I thought multi colored dogs were more interesting, maybe it was just because Jessie, our first dog, was a german shepard mix. Wilson was jet black, with a long coat like a golden retriever, and it wouldn’t take long for me to find out he was not at all lacking in the personality department. Dad always speculated (after getting compliments from multiple dog owners) that he was a pure bred black coat retriever and that we could have made money off his puppies if only we hadn’t chopped his balls off. I have no doubt in my mind that Wilson, had we known him then, would have been the most adorable, fuzz ball of a puppy.

We brought him home after the mandatory waiting period expired on him as a stray. We literally adopted him on his first day on the market; we knew a dog like this wouldn’t have lasted long at the shelter. We were heading up north so he went to stay with my Aunt and Uncle for a while. He caused a ruckus, broke out of the house through the screened in porch and ran lose around the neighborhood until later that evening. I maintain to this day that Wilson would get more excited when my Uncle Bill and Aunt Beth came over, than any other visitor, because he remembered them.

He finally came home with us, and after a week or so settled in wonderfully. His name at the pound had been "Noah" but my family are "Home Improvement" fans, and "Cast Away" had just came out, so we decided on the name Wilson. Wilson loved to run through the park, in the woods, around the neighborhood when he got out, wherever. He loved water, though it seemed to perplex the living day lights out of him since we would doggy paddle around and then snap or bark when he splashed himself in the face. He loved butt rubs, and would lean into whichever side you happened to be scratching him on. For the first and only time, my siblings and I fought over who got to walk him first. 

But I think the most remarkable thing about Wilson, was that he seemed to sense emotion better than any dog I have ever known. The most poignant example of this happened in my senior year in high school. I came home after having a conversation with a good friend who happened to have a rare form of cancer called osteogenic sarcoma. My friend had gathered three of us around to let us know that hospice was moving in, and that she didn’t expect to live much longer. It was, and remains to be, the most heartbreaking conversation I have ever had in my life. I managed to keep it together in the car as another friend drove me home, but the second I got inside I collapsed onto our couch sobbing uncontrollably. My family immediately cocooned me with love, including Wilson. He paced in front of the couch and as soon as there was space, climbed up (in that way where he thought he was being sneaky, but he was really too big for that at this point) he started to lick my face and snuggle into me.

He may not have known exactly what was going on, but he knew I needed him, and that was all that mattered. He did the same thing on the day of her funeral, and every time I needed a moment of comfort in the months following, he was there. Wilson was the fluffy reminder that there is such thing as unconditional love at those moments when my family seemed to need it most. He greeted us with enthusiasm and excitement each time we walked through the door after a shitty day, he snuggled us on the couch when we were feeling cold (or if there was just an inch of space that wasn’t being occupied), he went on walks with us, he gave us kisses, and he let us know that we were his greatest source of joy and love when we felt like we couldn’t do anything right.

I have no doubt that if you have ever loved a dog, that they have done this for you as well. That is why dogs are amazing, that is why they are God’s fuzzy angels.

So you can imagine how it broke my heart to know that after 14 years on this earth, that is was time for Wilson to go home. And so yesterday, December 4^th, 2013, Wilson went to those endless fields in the sky, where tennis balls are forever thrown and belly rubs flow endlessly from a sea of loving hands. I won’t lie, it was hard to keep it in while reading the message from my Mom. I turned into this silently sobbing wreck in the corner of the library, and I can imagine the guys sitting at the table with me may have been a bit weirded out.

Its hard, I knew this was coming, but I was kind of hoping he would hold out till I got home to say "goodbye." It felt like for all the times he was there for me, I should be able to be there for him in this last moment. But I know he was surrounded by love, I know that my family did right by him, and I know that he has been chomping on turkey leftovers from Thanksgiving and working those big puppy dog eyes for extra treats since the cancer in his leg got bad. Maybe this wouldn't be so hard if I didn't miss home so badly anyways. 

So I walked back from work, dropped my stuff off, and did what any good Irish Catholic person would do in a time of loss. I bought a pint of whiskey, I made a ton of food, and I poured a shot out for my dog.  

Maybe it’s a little emotional, but it seemed like the right thing to do. 

Love, 

Claire

Gender Camp!

After I got back from Moz (and got over a brief resurgence of an old back injury from rowing that kicked up and put me on bed rest for almost a week) I had the chance to participate in an awesome youth camp down in Salajwe! A fellow volunteer named Mary asked me to come and talk to about 250 kids about the differences between sex and gender. It was going to be a two day event, with three one hour and 20 minute sessions a piece per day.

I have done this talk before but only in the context of talking to people about LGBTQ issues, so it needed a little tweaking. Part of being in Peace Corps is gauging the social climate of certain topics, and talking to kids about gender and sex in the context of its ability to be fluid across a spectrum, or the fact that there are people whose sex and gender don’t match up, would not only have gotten me into trouble but would have caused serious issues for Mary as the Volunteer placed at the school. So I changed the talk to focus on the idea that a lot of gender comes from perceived social assumptions, and not physical realities of someone’s sex, and that this shouldn’t limit someone nor skew someone’s view on others.

In order to do this I used an exercise out of a Life Skills manual that my friend Lindsay loaned me. I made up about 40 flash cards that had things on them like: Teacher, Pastor, Fixes the Car, Violent, Takes Orders, Has Babies, Cleans the House, Tends the Cattle, Makes Babies, Owns Lands, and Grows a Beard. Then I made two different colored cards that said “Girls and Women” and “Men and Boys.” I put one on one side of the chalk board, and one on the other, and then placed the rest of the cards face down in the front of the class. I had the students come up to the front, pick up a card and put it under one of the two categories. Afterwards we talked about the differences between physical realities of sex (if you are having a baby you have female sex organs) and jobs that they had “gendered” based on their opinions.

This conversation lead to WHY they had these opinions, things like culture, tradition, beliefs, religion, taboos and totems. We talked about how changing any one of these could create different assumptions. I told them about how my religion (Irish Catholic) meant that I couldn’t be a pastor, and that there were certain societies where women took leadership roles, and how traditional dress for certain societies for men involved wearing “skirt” type clothing (Scotts.) Depending on how much time we had, and how the class was reacting I asked them questions like “If I turned everyone here into a girl (for the guys)/ guy (for the girls), what would you miss about being your original sex? How would people treat you differently?” and “Is there a difference between a Motswana woman or man and an American woman or man?”

My favorite was, when trying to drive the point home, I asked a class about how they would react if one of the male students walked into the classroom wearing a dress. Everyone giggled, and then I asked them why? Botswana doesn’t have any laws about guys wearing dresses, dresses are comfortable, guys can physically accommodate wearing a dress, and when it is hot they keep you cooler than pants. I think this one really got the point home and got them thinking.

There were a lot of interesting points that happened in these lessons:

The first class to run the exercise, and every class afterwards, insisted that we have a middle column between the two.

I had slipped a “Making Babies” card in there expressly for the purpose of talking to the kids about the responsibilities that come with sex, since we had a volunteer running a safe sex class, and one on reproductive systems, so I thought it would be a nice tie in. I figured when I put this in there, that is would almost always go to “Girls and Women”, but to my surprise the card ended up all over the board, twice in the “Men” column.

I put the “Grows a Beard” card in the deck to have an example of something to do with sex for the guys, and in retrospect should have done something a little more clear cut than that because I had one student SERIOUSLY fight me on the idea that she had seen women who had grown beards down to their chest.

I only had one class that put almost every card in the middle, which kinda threw me off about the talk afterwards. You have to love it when students are already on top of what you are going to teach them.

It was an amazing experience and I had a lot of fun doing it. I think there might be something to this whole gender theory bit, and I’m wondering if maybe this is what I should go to graduate school for (if I end up going to graduate school at all.) I know that this type of work is something I would like to continue doing, and have started poking around for jobs that might include it. I was really thankful to have been a part of this camp, and I hope to be able to do so again before I leave.

Hugs and smooches,

Claire

p.s. Do YOU know the difference between sex and gender??

Win Me A Book!

Just wanted to remind everyone that the Indiegogo Campaign (its like Kickstarter) for The GENDER Book starts today!!! To pre-order your, your mother's, your father's, your dentist's, your doctor's, your priest's and your crazy Aunt Millie's copy go to: http://igg.me/at/thegenderbook/x/5580565

Also, consider linking this project up with people you think may be interested, as well as resource centers, libraries and other institutions. Below I have copy pasted the emails I sent out "around town" and you should feel free to use them! I included phrases that allude to the fact that I am in Peace Corps, because I feel like the organization lends itself to some sort of perceived moral high ground, and that I wouldn't just be a rando sending emails (my email signature has my job title in it.) 

At this point y'all may be asking about why a Peace Corps Volunteer is spending so much time plugging a project back in the states. The reason this is happening is because I believe that we need to do everything we can to support the projects, campaigns, and work of those we see improving the world, because a lot of times that work is thankless. I think educating people on gender in the US ultimately may lead to more educated people around the world, and that means Botswana benefits in a round about way. 

In a more direct way, I just ordered a copy that will be donated to the Rainbow Identity people here in Bots at the end of my service. 

So go purchase a book, and use the link pasted above because, if a ton of you do it, I could win a free copy, which I then promise to donate to an LGBTQ support group here.

Check back in here soon to hear about my Thanksgiving, how the gender camp in Salajwe went, and about the two new grants I am working on to start a tree nursery in my community and get the pre-school roof fixed! (And yes, you all will be asked to donate to that as well once it is up and running.)

Hugs and smooches, 
Claire
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Sent to: the district library system in my home town

Hello LIBRARY BOOK PURCHASE REQUEST CENTER, 

I just wanted to alert you guys to an awesome book project that I think you guys should get involved in; its called The GENDER Book, and they just launched their Indiegogo campaign today for the month of December. The book is an illustrated 101 guide to gender. In their words: 

"The GENDER book is a colorful visual primer on the world of gender. It's a 90-page, fully-illustrated, educational book that teaches - and unteaches - some of the basics of gender theory in a way that is super fun, non-judgy, and full of COLOR. It's a handsome hardback book that you can sit and read in one sitting." 

I don't know what the process is to get a book stocked in the INSERT LIBRARY NAME HERE, but they are currently only planning on printing copies that have been pre-ordered this month since it is a self funded project and bulk orders are cheaper. As someone who grew up in INSERT TOWN NAME HERE I think this is a resource that compliments the type of open, expressive education that the community is a fan of, and I believe that this could be an AMAZING book for teens that want to learn about gender or who may be struggling with identity issues of their own. I'm currently using the e-book while working with LGBTQ youth in Botswana while serving in the US Peace Corps. 

This is the website: http://igg.me/at/thegenderbook/x/5580565

Just thought I would let you guys know about the project, would love to see this stocked when I come home!

Much Love from a Life Long DISTRICT LIBRARY NAME fan, 
Claire  
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Sent to: the MSU Library Resource Referral Person, it was accompanied by a standard information form.

I know I just referenced you guys to a kickstarter campaign but its only because I think having a gender education resource like this would benefit both the student and overall community at Michigan State and in East Lansing. This book could be used as a basic building block for gender research, and as a personal research guide for students and community members who may be exploring gender (theirs or other peoples.) As an Alumni I would love to see this stocked in our collection! Needs to be ordered this month though, so please put try and put a rush on whatever process needed to purchase a book, and check out the page I listed in the "Publisher" box. Thanks so much!
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Sent to: A form on my former public school system's website, asking for suggestions

I think NAME OF PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM should look into stocking "the GENDER book" in your High School libraries (maybe even for the Middle Schools as well?) It is a wonderful 101 resource on gender that could be used for students who might be interested in gender, or who may have questions about their own. They have an Indiegogo campaign this month for pre-orders since it is a community funded project. 

http://igg.me/at/thegenderbook/x/5580565

As an  Alumni I would love to see this resource available to students!

Thanks, 
Claire
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Sent to: LGBTQ Student organizations and resource centers for University of Michigan and Michigan State

Hello ___________ Center, 

I wanted to bring your attention to a possible resource you might be interested in called "the GENDER book." In the creators words it is:

"A colorful visual primer on the world of gender. It's a 90-page, fully-illustrated, educational book that teaches - and unteaches - some of the basics of gender theory in a way that is super fun, non-judgy, and full of COLOR. It's a handsome hardback book that you can sit and read in one sitting."

They just launched an Indiegogo Campaign at: http://igg.me/at/thegenderbook/x/5580565

I'm trying to get the word out because I think this could be a wonderful resource for the entire community and would love to see it around the TOWN NAME area. I don't know if you have a physical resource collection, but you should add this to it if so! I also figured you might be the ones to contact in order to get in touch with interested parties in the LOCAL AREA Trans* community.

I hope you will consider supporting the campaign, and that all is going well state side! (I added a "Go Green!" to the one for MSU because I am a Spartan for life and this is the customary sign off.)

~Claire