Big Girl Shoes

I have been thinking about the future an awful lot lately. Thinking about what it means for me, what it means for my relationships with people, thinking about jobs and this blog. "A Ginger Goes to Peace Corps Botswana" is fast approaching 25,000 views, which isn’t a ton for something that has been running for almost three years, but considering that it really only caters to Peace Corps Volunteers/people who want to be Peace Corps Volunteers/ my family and friends, I would say that is pretty good. I have been trying to figure out whether or not I am going to continue writing here when I go home, and I think I am going to. Obviously the name will change, and I will probably reformat a bit, but I want to write these things down, and put them out there, and I think this would be a good place to do it.

It’s such an interesting time in your life, your 20s. Some people will graduate from college, out of a school system that they have been in for nearly 15 years, and suddenly you are out in the world, and homework is not your number one priority. You make decisions, decisions about graduate school, or a job, or joining Peace Corps. The world is open to you to some extent and unless you got married or had a kid, you have no one but yourself to answer to. I delayed this whole process by going into Peace Corps, and now I am facing that terrible steppe of opportunity for the first time. I applied for my first big girl job today; an application that wanted a resume, and a cover letter and a writing sample. It would be a dream job for me too, it’s as a Program Officer with the Urgent Action Fund for Women’s Human Rights, and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get it, but I’m applying anyway and the prospect is thrilling.

The job is based in Oakland, they are looking for someone who has at least five years of professional experience (I have maybe three.) They want someone who has worked out of North America for at least two years (check), and on the posting they said that “proficiency in Arabic or another Asian language” would be preferred. I have a year of college level Turkish, an Asian Studies Specialization and a Middle Eastern regional specialization so though I’m not proficient in Turkish, I am familiar with the region, and I would love to start learning again. The job would require overseas travel after training, and according to the posting would start July 1^st, which clearly isn’t going to be possible for me, but maybe if they like me a whole lot they would be willing to delay that a bit.

One of the tags for this was “LGBT” and they specifically mention trans women in the posting. I don’t think I will get this job, but it gives me an idea of the type of job I am reaching for. The type of job I want to get into, and that is just so terribly exciting. The potential for a job like this, the potential that I have to be the person I am becoming, is so thrilling it makes me want to run around (and I hate running.) It so scary too, what if I fall short, or fall on my face, or fall over my big girl shoes? I get that you never really become a set individual, or at least I don’t think you do, so what if my change is too slow? What if everyone else is changing faster and I am unable to change quickly enough to keep up? You know what is even more scary than not getting a job like this? GETTING A JOB LIKE THIS! What if I did get the job and then suddenly I’m a human rights worker, which I like to think I kind of already am, but this would just make it official. What if I can’t give all the peoples all their rights?

You know what being a human/ civil rights worker entails? It entails signing up for a job that you know you aren’t going to see the end of. It means believing in a cause so vehemently that you don’t care that you will never see the big win accomplished, or the end goal achieved. It means opening yourself up to the evils of the world, and being willing to face and fight. It means casualties, for you and the people you are working with, and not all of them will be mortalities of the human kind (though some, in some fields, will be) but sometimes it means watching ideas die, or hope die, and then you are in charge of moving forward and finding new hope (Star Wars!) and new ideas.

It means cashing in karma instead of a pay check, working odd hours, traveling a lot, and being willing to mystique (X-Men!) your way into new cultures and climates and not in a vacation way, but in a living way. It means putting on others people shoes, or their lack of shoes, and walking more than just the mile. It means understanding that chopping up your heart and giving it to different communities actually makes your heart bigger and not smaller.

You remember the first time you went on a roller coaster? You are so excited and so scared and you get to the top of that first drop and you think you are going to laugh and vomit all at the same time. That is where I am at, I’m at the top of a hill looking down, and I’m about to drop into the world as an adult and I may giggle or I may wet myself, but either way it is coming. My Dad always likes to say “Life is an adventure, if you so choose.” Well, I’m choosing, I’m dropping, I bought the ticket so I’m going to ride the ride.

Here goes...everything

Claire